


Second Best

by vitious



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Future, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-02-16 11:19:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2267763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vitious/pseuds/vitious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sousuke's life was perfect by all standards but that didn't explain why he felt so hollow, nor why luck had deigned to drag old pain back into his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Mornings always started the same.  His alarm woke him promptly at 5:15, the repetitive buzz jarring him from slumber as he fumbled to turn off the incessant noise.  His eyes would crack open, leaving him blinking blearily at the ceiling for a few minutes before he drug himself out of bed.  Still sluggish, he pulled on a pair of workout pants, a tank top, and tennis shoes and headed out the door for his daily one mile jog; it felt wrong to skip it.  During said jog, his body moving smoothly and efficiently as it always had, he thought of cases from the day before, of the things he would have to do that day, and how Yamazaki Sousuke, pride of the Tokyo Police Department, would go through another day performing just as he was supposed to.

His mother and father had been incredibly proud when he had graduated university and had joined the Police Academy.  All of his friends had wished him well, had celebrated and gotten him gifts to immortalize the occasion: the beginning of the rest of his life.  Sousuke had been happy right along with them, happy to be moving on and to be making a future of himself in which he could have new dreams, new opportunities, and in which he could flourish.  His life was going well, was going perfect, but that didn’t stop a cold emptiness from expanding through his chest as he moved on and left his friends behind.  Sousuke thought that going to Police Academy would be perfect for him and thought he had no regrets but it was only then, six years later, that he’d begun to realize that he had been horribly deluded.

It had started as a little niggling feeling at the back of his mind, a cold sense of unease that had started when he’d begun to settle into the monotony of police work.  At first he tried to lose himself in work, burying himself in domestic disputes, speeding tickets, and public intoxications.  He fixated on paperwork instead of department outings, opting to keep his work separate from his social life which was already practically non-existent.  It was very effective for a time, allowing him to live a calm, simple life away from his parents who had begun talking about marriage and grandchildren.  That was until Matsuoka Rin wandered back into his life.

Maybe if he had been less the ideal Officer they wouldn’t have assigned the new recruit to him.  Perhaps if he had kept in touch he could have had more warning before he had seen the shock on those familiar features and could have avoided the sharp ache that unforgettable, brilliant smile caused in his chest.  He’d smiled in return of course, acting as if no time at all had passed, inquiring about everything that had been happening in Rin’s life up until that point.  It was only when he returned to his apartment, dark, empty, and uninviting, that he’d sagged against the door, one hand clutching at his chest as he allowed the old ache to overcome him.

If he’d been asked if he’d been in love in High School, he wouldn’t have hesitated when he said yes.  He remembered the warmth that had filled his entire form when he saw Rin smile because of him for the first time since he’d left Australia.  Sousuke could also still feel the jealous anger that had washed over him when he’d met Nanase Haruka, how it had consumed him and driven him to push himself beyond his limits.  Even after so long the day of the relay was a fresh, tangible thing in his mind and he could still feel Rin clutching at his shirt, could still hear Rin yelling his name, could still see the shine of Rin’s unshed tears.  

In retrospect, he should have realized how blurred the lines had been and how different their feelings were.  It was his fault that he’d felt ill the first time he’d seen Rin and Haruka holding hands, had felt as if his entire world had ended when he faked a smile and congratulated them.  He’d clutched to hope, blinded by the brilliance that was caused by Matsuoka Rin, and hadn’t realized that his hope was a foolish one and that, really, he’d never stood a chance to begin with.  Sousuke thought he’d moved on, that he’d healed, but meeting Rin again made him realize that he’d been lying to himself for years; there would always be a hole in his heart left by Rin and he doubted anything could change that.

His thoughts came to a halt when he ended his jog, the burn in his muscles and lungs doing nothing to dull the apprehension he felt about going in to work for his second day working alongside Rin.  Perhaps over time he’d grow numb to his presence, like he had to the job itself, but for the moment he would focus on ignoring it.  After all, Sousuke was nothing if not professional and, thus, would behave so even if his partner was Rin.

It was 5:30 when he slipped into the shower, moving on auto-pilot through his daily routine as he scrubbed the sweat from his body.  Every day was the same and would continue to be so despite Rin’s presence in his life.  After all, Rin had talked quite a bit about how happy he was with Nanase so Sousuke already knew that he hadn’t miraculously become part of a romantic novel, that he suddenly had a second chance.  Thus things would continue as they always had, only with an added undertone of bitter regret.

At 5:35 he was out of the shower and slipping into his work clothes which he would then also have to change out of at the station.  He retrieved a tangerine from the small bowl on his counter, quickly peeling it and eating it absently as he made sure that he didn’t look as disheveled as he felt.  Sousuke was finally beginning to wake up fully and feel energized despite the unfortunate turn his thoughts had taken and he grabbed the keys for his apartment, heading for the door.

He exited his apartment at 5:45 and that was when he was reunited with Tachibana Makoto.  Sousuke had been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn’t even consider the fact that someone else could have been hurrying down the same hallway that he was stepping out into.  It was instinct that caused him to reach out and grab whoever had bumped into him with a surprised yelp, his hands clutching their upper arms.

Wide, green eyes stared back at him, apologies already spilling from the other man’s mouth, but they trailed off when, almost simultaneously, they both realized who they had come face to face with. “...Yamazaki-kun?”

“Tachibana-kun.  It’s been a while.” Sousuke answered, his tone polite, his mouth running on auto-pilot as he mentally wondered what sort of horrible luck he had to have in order to run into one of Rin’s friends after so long.

“I-I’m so sorry.  I’ve been called into work so I was in a bit of a rush.” The soft, kind smile Makoto had possessed in High School had only become more brilliant over the years and Sousuke hated him for it. “It would be good to talk.  I moved recently and don’t really know anyone.”

 _What about Nanase?_ Sousuke refrained himself from asking, responding instead with “Weren’t you heading somewhere?”

Makoto’s cheeks turned a little pink and his eyes widened as he pulled away. “Yes!  I’m so sorry!  Later, then!”

Sousuke watched him turn and run down the hallway, his eyes going heavy lidded as he cursed his luck once more.  Apparently it wasn’t enough that he had to endure Rin on a daily basis but he also had to meet Tachibana again after so many years.  It was as if fate were attempting to dredge up his past and drown him with it right when he had gotten his life together and was moving forward with a successful career.  Briefly he considered moving but, as he descended the stairs and started his walk to work, he decided that it wouldn’t be worth it.  Most likely Makoto would forget the encounter and they would never meet again, leaving him in peace to continue on with his life.

“Luck hasn’t been so kind lately.” Sousuke muttered to himself, watching the sign for the Police Department grow closer, mentally steeling himself.

Despite his slight delay that came in the form of Makoto, he arrived promptly at 6:15 at the Police Department, fifteen minutes before he was scheduled to begin his shift.  He gave a small wave to his fellow officers as he slipped into the locker room to begin changing, doing his best to keep his mind blank; his musings from earlier would simply make his mood suspiciously dark.  Sousuke had just slipped the top of his uniform on when he heard someone else enter, turning his head to see Rin approaching, his face lighting up in a smile.  It was 6:25 in the morning when Sousuke began to hate himself all over again.


	2. Chapter 2

“Sousuke!” Rin’s hand landed with easy familiarity on Sousuke’s shoulder. “We should get lunch.  You haven’t taken a break all day."

“Sometimes work takes priority over breaks.” Sousuke answered, not looking up from the paperwork he was filling out; anything was a good distraction from Rin.

“Not if you work yourself to death.  Come on, let’s go eat.  We have a lot to catch up on.”

Sousuke paused, swallowing thickly, doing his best to keep his face blank. “I suppose it has been a long time.”

“It’s been years, you know.”

 _Of course I know. Every time I remember High School you’re there._ “I guess I lost track of time.”

“That sounds like you.  Come on, there’s a nice cafe a few blocks from here.”

Heaving a resigned sigh, Sousuke gently set his pen down and climbed to his feet. “Fine.”

\-------

Rin’s right, the cafe is small, quaint, and not nearly as busy as a few other nearby restaurants they could have gone to.  As they entered the couple that ran the shop greeted them and ushered to a small table towards the back of the shop one which, thankfully, was near a window.  Rin ordered a fancy coffee drink, one that was full of sugar, and Sousuke settled for tea; too much sugar gave him headaches.

As the hostess wrote down their drink order, Sousuke turned his attention to the people milling by outside, his eyes heavy-lidded.  He distantly listened to Rin chatting with said hostess, knowing that she had probably bashfully tried to flirt with him, something which had happened a lot in High School.  His mind wandered, thinking back to his third year in high school, when he and Rin had reunited for the first time since Rin had left for Australia.  It had been so long ago and they were both different people.  Well, he was different, at least.

“...suke.  Oi, Sousuke!”

Sousuke turned his head, blinking, noting that Rin was giving him an exasperated look. “...Hm?”

“You were daydreaming, idiot.” Rin muttered, grinning as he leaned back in his seat, resting his arm casually on the back of his chair.

“Maybe I was ignoring you.” Sousuke answered, able to briefly slip into who he was when he was still a teen and, briefly, it almost felt natural.

“Asshole.” Rin muttered before grinning and casually leaning across the table. “So?”

“So what?”

Rin rolled his eyes. “What have you been doing?  I haven’t seen you since before you left for University.”

Sousuke wanted to snort and say something bitter, but he refrained. “I haven’t done much.  I graduated, enrolled in police academy, and have been promoted a few times since graduating.”

Rin chuckled and shook his head. “I meant outside of work, you know?”

Sousuke, looked out the window again, attempting to look bored instead of full of remorse for the 6 years he wasted burying himself in school and work. “Ehh, I don’t do much outside of work.”

“You’re kidding!” Rin groused, leaning over to peer at his face. “Come on, you have to be doing something.”

“I work out daily.” Sousuke answered, deadpan, which earned a theatrical groan from Rin. “Honestly, Rin, I don’t have much time outside of work, anyways.”

“That just seems….”

“Hm?”

“I don’t know. Boring?”

Sousuke turned his head back to Rin, eyes narrowing, but he was saved from saying anything foolish when the hostess returned with their beverages.  She then took their food orders, smiling brilliantly at them both and giving a small bow before moving on to another table that needed her attention.  It was a shame because her absence left him alone with Rin and his endless questions once more.

“No girlfriend?” Rin asked, looking genuinely curious as he took a sip from his whipped cream topped drink.

“No.” Sousuke answered, watching him intently. “How is Nanase?”

Rin seemed to light up at the question, causing familiar pain to lance through Sousuke’s chest. “He’s good.  He works in a small restaurant on the other side of Tokyo.  It’s far away but he likes it.”

Sousuke nodded, taking a sip of his tea, eyes lowered. “Good.”

“Oi, don’t go changing the subject.  How are you single, eh?” Rin prodded, tilting his head to peer at his face.

“I haven’t been looking for a relationship.” Sousuke muttered.

“Eh?  Come on, don’t you get lonely?”

Sousuke almost winced. “Of course not, Idiot.”

“Hey!  I’m just concerned, you know.” Rin’s expression sobered as he studied Sousuke’s face. “Did something happen?”

Sousuke really hated the fact that, despite all of the time that had passed, Rin could still read him decently well.  This would be much easier if Sousuke could lie to his face like he did to so many others, including his parents, but it would be borderline impossible.  Despite that he knew he couldn’t lie, not with Rin squinting at him suspiciously and his worried gaze taking in every change in Sousuke’s expression and body language.  Rin was a good friend and it wasn’t his fault that Sousuke wanted more than he could give, but even now Sousuke found it difficult to try and push decade-old feelings aside for the sake of childhood friendship.

“Nothing happened.” He answered, offering a small smile which, oddly, didn’t feel forced. “My parents keep hounding me about grandchildren but I just haven’t been in a hurry to search for anything like that.”

Rin sighed and slumped back in his chair, frowning at him. “We need to find you a nice girl to lighten you up a bit.”

“Like you would know anything about my taste in women?” Sousuke teased immediately, mentally adding that he didn’t even _have_ as taste for women; how Rin hadn’t noticed was beyond him.

“Ha!  You need a nice, sweet, energetic girl.”

“That’s pretty general, Rin.”

It was then that the hostess arrived with their sandwiches, setting them down before bowing and shuffling off to serve more customers.  Sousuke watched her go, staring critically, wondering if he could ever find himself attracted to a woman like that.  Unfortunately there was nothing; not even a flicker of interest resulted from looking at her, just a vague sense that she was pretty and that she was nice.  Perhaps his obsession with Rin had ruined his prospects for ever finding a partner in the future.  He’d never given it much thought.

“Oi.” Sousuke turned his head, expecting to see Rin look smug to see him looking at a girl, but he just frowned at him. “I feel like you’re not telling me something.”

Sousuke arched a brow and plucked up a slice of his sandwich. “Why do you say that?”

“You seem… Distant.”

“I’m sorry.  My mind keeps drifting back to work.”

Rin offered a small, hesitant grin. “Workaholic.”

Sousuke didn’t like that smile, it was the one he got when Rin didn’t believe him. “I told you I had a lot to get done.”

“If all you do is work then when do you have time to live, huh?”

Sousuke was about to take a bite but paused, the words hitting a little too close to home for him to really hide the reaction.  However, after his brief hesitation he took the bite, the sandwich ash on his tongue, as he looked back at Rin.  There was sadness on his old friend’s face, the kind of hopeless sorrow that comes from seeing someone suffering and not knowing how to fix it.  Rin had always worn his heart on his sleeve and his emotions were always close to the surface, something which made him easy to trust.  Sousuke immediately felt a wave of guilt when he realized that he was the complete opposite: Distant, closed off, and elusive.

“...I don’t know.” Sousuke finally answered, forcing himself to continue to eat despite having lost his appetite.

“Sousuke…” Rin sounded and looked so unhappy that he had to look away.

“It’s alright, Rin.”

“How is this okay?”

Rin’s voice was quiet and pained, causing Sousuke to look back at him and offer him a small smile. “Because it’s what I want, Rin.  I’m alright.”

“But you’re not--”

“Rin.  Please.”

Rin lowered his head and, though his eyes seemed to shimmer a little, he didn’t cry, simply looked unhappy as he kept eating his sandwich.  With a soft sigh Sousuke followed suit, their lunch lapsing into awkward silence, leaving him feeling a little raw around the edges.  He hadn’t wanted to have this conversation with Rin ever, hadn’t wanted him to see what a hollow shell of his former self he’d become, but he couldn’t hide anything from Rin; well, nothing except for the fact that he still loved him, despite everything.  That was one thing that Rin seemed to be completely blind and oblivious to.

\--------

Sousuke heaved a sigh as he headed back to his apartment after one of the longest, most emotionally draining shifts he’d had in a long time.  He wished that he could blame a case or a bad string of arrests but, no, it had simply been the chasm that had seemed to open between himself and Rin.  Part of him thought that it was for the best but the other part of him mourned a friendship that had been forged through years of hardship and had never really faded.  Maybe he could make it up to him later; he would have to if their partnership was going to work.

Suddenly he paused, noticing that there was a figure crouched in front of his door, looking as if they were… Shoving something under it?  Frowning, Sousuke approached, stopping a short distance away when he recognized the crouched figure.  Even if his day had gone well Sousuke wasn’t certain if he would have pleased to see Tachibana crouching next to his door for some unknown reason.

“Oi.” Sousuke muttered, hoping he sounded less exhausted than he felt.

Makoto let out a startled squawk and topped as he tried to turn and stand at the same time, ending up falling backwards onto his butt.  Sousuke sighed heavily and reached out to the male who was currently wincing and rubbing his lower back; it hadn’t been a very graceful fall.  Then those green eyes turned to him, wide and curious, before Makoto smiled, his entire face lighting up upon recognizing him, and, for a brief moment, Sousuke’s breath caught in his throat.

“Sousuke!” Makoto grabbed his hand, accepting his help, and Sousuke pulled him to his feet. “I’m sorry, this looks strange.  You weren’t home when I got done with my shift so I was just…  Um…”

Sousuke arched a brow. “Just what?”

“I-I was just putting a note under your door… In case you wanted to catch up sometime.” Makoto quickly stammered out, averting his eyes.  “If you don’t it’s okay, I understand, I just couldn’t believe it when I ran into you again.”

“I’ll think about it,” he muttered, about to turn and unlock his apartment to go inside, only to frown when he caught sight of a dark smudge underneath one of Makoto’s eyes, his ingrained, police instincts flaring up immediately. “Oi, Tachibana.”

“Huh?” Makoto questioned, only for him to go still and his eyes to widen when Sousuke reached out to grab his chin, turning his face a little. “W-what’s wrong, Sousuke?”

Sousuke leaned in, peering at the mark on his face. “Did someone hit you?”

“W-what?!” Makoto sounded incredulous, blinking at him in confusion.

“You’ve got a bruise.”

“Eh?” Makoto reached up to touch the spot, prodding it before he chuckled. “Oh, I must not have washed as well as I thought.”

Sousuke frowned, releasing the other man’s chin, it didn’t _look_ like an oil smudge… “Washed?  Are you a mechanic?”

“I’m a firefighter.” Makoto answered, beaming. “It’s probably just soot.  I mustn’t have scrubbed enough in the shower.  I-I was in a hurry.”

Sousuke frowned. “Why?”

Makoto’s eyes widened a little before he gave a sheepish laugh. “O-oh, I just wanted to be out of there.”

“I see.  Well, you should go shower again, then.”

“Y-yes!  I should.  Good evening, Sousuke.  Sorry for intruding.” Makoto answered quickly, giving a quick half bow before waving and quickly striding down the hall.

Sousuke frowned, watching him go; he wasn’t certain he believed the soot story, but he’d let it go; it was none of his business if Makoto wanted to hide something.  Heaving a heavy side, Sousuke unlocked his apartment and stepped inside, staring down at the neat, folded sheet of paper on the floor, trying to decide whether he should pick it up or simply leave it where it was.  However he remembered the way Makoto smiled at him and he swallowed thickly, his shoulders slumping, before he bent down to pick it up.  That done, he closed and locked the door behind him, hanging up his keys and removing his work shoes.

He padded across his apartment and slumped down onto his couch, rubbing the paper between his thumb and forefinger.  Finally after a few long moments he flipped the note open, expecting something horribly ridiculous and sappy, but all it said was: “Please send me a mail if you would like to have lunch!” followed by a number and Makoto’s name.  Sousuke stared at it for a long moment before heaving what felt like his hundredth sigh that day and fishing his phone out of his pocket.  He programmed Makoto’s number in his phone, wondering why he’d caved at all.  They hadn’t been close in High School, had usually only spoken to each other in passing, and they were as different as two people could be. Perhaps loneliness combined with how raw Rin’s questioning had left him had worn away his will to keep people away, to bury himself in his work.  No matter how strong a person one claimed to be the loneliness always won out in the end.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: There are graphic depictions of violence, blood, and death in the chapter, so if any of these bother you then skip about halfway down the fic.

Stress was a normal thing that occurred when one worked a steady job.  Every field had its own risks and struggles that caused it though, admittedly, some tended to contain higher levels than others.  Typically Sousuke didn’t consider his job to be especially trying nor incredibly stressful but, that day, he was beginning to wonder how much strain someone could take before they snapped.

Tokyo was a bustling city, especially Shinjuku ward, but violent crimes tended to be few and far between, especially ones that were difficult to handle.  Usually most disputes were handled in a rather civil manner and didn’t require violence of any sort; normal police officers tended to not handle the more violent, gang related crimes.  In fact there had only been a handful of times that year out of all the times they’d been dispatched to a crime that he’d had to use any sort of force to arrest someone, but that day had been different.

Rin had been excited to be on his first violent disturbance dispatch since he and Sousuke had first become partners nearly a month prior.  He’d practically bounced in his seat when he’d gotten into the passenger side of their police car, chatting about how he hoped that he got a chance to actually do something.  Seeing Rin excited about something made him nostalgic, made him realize just how little the other man had changed since their days at Samezuka.  It was obvious that Rin’s relationship with Nanase had preserved his boyish enthusiasm for everything that he was passionate about, leaving Sousuke feeling as if he had been stagnating all the years they had been apart while Rin flourished and grew.

Unlike Rin, Sousuke had changed.  He didn’t smile as much any more, didn’t get as excited for the thrill of the chase, and simply used his work as a distraction for how empty and friendless his life had ended up being.  He made good money, was successful, was well on his way to being a detective, but still he felt unfulfilled and hollow, as if everything he had been doing had been wrong.  He mourned the enthusiasm he’d had when he had first enlisted in college and the academy, when he had actually been able to make friends and socialized, when he had actually wanted to.

When they had arrived at the scene, Rin had been the first one out of the car.  Sousuke had slipped out shortly afterwards, slightly more wary and less enthused about breaking up a potential fight.  He immediately went after Rin who was quickly headed towards the apartment the disturbance had been reported from, his eyes narrowing a little; Rin’s enthusiasm was good but when it came to cases like these, he wanted to tell Rin to slow down, to take him time, to not rush in.  Rushing in killed cops.

“Rin.” Sousuke called after him finally as Rin practically raced up the stairs. “Oi, slow down.”

“Aren’t we supposed to get there as quickly as possible?” Rin responded, sounding indignant.

“As quickly as possible while being safe, Rin.”

“I am being safe!”

Sousuke let out a great gust of a sigh and quickened his pace; Rin was too stubborn to listen to him even now.  He still thought of him as a friend and not a superior, seasoned officer, something that could be incredibly dangerous in the field.  He was gaining on Rin, mentally running over how long it would take to get Rin transferred to someone who he didn’t have a history with, when Rin slowed his pace, turned his head to grin back at him, and everything that could have gone wrong, did.

Something that he didn’t recognize immediately as a human body came through the window in a shower of glass, the figure screaming, and immediately collided with Rin.  Sousuke immediately moved into a crouch, moving forward as quickly as he could as he watched his friend, his partner fall, the side of his head hitting the metal railing with a dull, metallic clang.  He didn’t understand what people in the movies said about everything slowing down when something horrible happened until that moment, as when Rin hit the ground everything seemed to speed up.  Suddenly he was next to the figure, a screaming, sobbing woman, checking her for injuries, noting that she was covered in blood but didn’t seem seriously injured.  Rin was unconscious next to her but he managed to reach and check his pulse, feeling relieved that it was strong.

He didn’t risk more than that momentary respite before immediately heading to the side of the window, pressing his back against it and placing his hand on the one thing he had never had to use: his gun. “Police!  Exit the residence with your hands raised.”

He waited, listening intently, hearing a soft mumbling from inside that he couldn’t quite make out before repeating himself.  If whoever had thrown the woman didn’t come out he would have to go inside without backup, despite the fact that he could hear Rin groaning in pain as he slowly came back to consciousness.  He stared at the woman, who was still sobbing, but didn’t seem to be bleeding profusely and also seemed coherent.  Her wounds were mostly superficial, something which surprised him considering the state of the window, but he took a moment to radio for an ambulance while he waited for the perpetrator to come out.

When Sousuke still didn’t receive a response he swallowed thickly and took a slow breath, forcing himself to focus.  He curled his fingers around the grip of his sidearm,  gently easing it from the its leather holster and turning his head to peer into the apartment as best he could.  Sousuke heard sirens in the distance, then saw movement, giving him a target to level his gun on as he turned, standing in front of the window, barrel leveled on a middle-aged man’s chest.  The man seemed startled by his appearance, his eyes wide and nostrils flaring as the surprise faded to panic and desperation.

“This is Officer Yamazaki of the Tokyo Police.  Please exit the apartment peacefully.” Sousuke repeated once more; he hated that he’d even had to draw his weapon.

“Y-you’re taking her from me.” the man muttered, his eyes still too wide, showing too much white.

“She’s hurt.  She needs to see a doctor.  Sir, please come out.  I just want to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk to you!” the man screamed, running towards the window.

Sousuke’s eyes widened then narrowed as he watched the man run forward. “Sir, please stop or else I will need—”

“Shut up!”

Sousuke stared as the man continued towards him, his resolve faltering briefly as he took a step back, giving the man enough time to climb into the window and prepare to jump.  Suddenly his gut twisted and his finger tightened on the trigger, the barrel of his gun trembling ever so slightly as, in the split second he had to make a decision, he took aim, and fired.  The sound was explosive, deafening, but the temporary deafness kept him from hearing the man’s cry of pain or the way he sounded as his body hit the ground in front of the window.  There was blood but he couldn’t smell it over the smell of burnt gunpowder, and there was hysteria but he choked it down, swallowed it and buried it deep inside himself, hoping that if he ignored it that maybe, just maybe he could pretend everything was okay.

When the man didn’t immediately move Sousuke hesitantly crouched next to him and checked for a pulse, pressing his fingers against his neck and waiting.  His blood went cold when he waited a few moments and felt nothing, his fingers immediately fumbling for another spot to double check; he hadn’t aimed to kill, had only aimed to to disable or stun him.  It was only when he was feeling along the man’s neck and encountered a hot wash of blood that he realized what had happened; the glass… 

The woman was screaming at him but he could hear Rin, who couldn’t be in that great of state himself, attempting to calm her. Slowly Sousuke climbed to his feet, holstering his gun and turning to look at Rin, finally, for the first time since everything had started.  Rin was staring at the man on the ground with wide eyes, looking dazed and shell-shocked, something which was most likely simply made worse by his head injury.  He heard feet coming towards them and slowly turned his head, watching the EMTs that had just arrived hurry towards them, his adrenaline slowly seeping out of him, leaving him feeling numb, running on autopilot, but, considering what came next, perhaps that was for the best.

Rin and the victim were taken in separate vehicles but Sousuke was reassured that they would both be fine.  He was asked a multitude of questions, interrogated by another officer while the forensic unit milled about the body of the man Sousuke had shot.  The numbness that had been maintaining his calm settled in his stomach, heavy and vile, eliminating his appetite and making his gut churn as he struggled to keep his composure.  He was clapped on the shoulder by a senior officer and gently eased inside his car to be taken back to the precinct.  it was only when he was sitting in the passenger seat of the vehicle and he went to fasten the safety belt that he realized his hands were shaking.

 _Must be from the adrenaline._ he thought, staring down at his twitching fingers for a long moment before he turned his head to stare out of the window as they began to move.

“Yamazaki-kun.” his superior began, drawing Sousuke’s attention. “Is this your first death?”

First death, as if he hadn’t just killed a man. “Yes.”

“Just remember that it wasn’t your fault.  All the evidence and witness reports will clear you.  Try not to dwell on it, okay?”

Sousuke stared at the man, Kawaguchi Goro, before his head bowed, his eyes falling to his lap. “I’ll try, Kawaguchi-taichou.”

——

By the time Sousuke stepped through his apartment door, weary and anxious, it was well past nine o’clock at night.  Firing one’s gun in the field required a considerable amount of paperwork, nevermind actually shooting someone and causing their death.  After hours of testimony and paperwork he had been allowed to go home and was told to take a day of mandatory leave. He was also going to be required to go to mandatory therapy sessions, something which he didn’t think was necessary but was required.

Sighing heavily, he strode to his couch and slumped down onto it, head tipping back and arms draping across the back of it.  He stared at the ceiling for a moment before shifting, attempting to sink even further into the couch, only to wince when something jabbed him in the hip.  Frowning he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, glaring narrowly at it before sighing and flipping it open, wondering what he’d missed.  There weren’t any mails from Rin, nor really anything of substance from the department.  He wasn’t certain why but the lack of any messages from anyone at the precinct, especially Rin, made his stomach churn.

It was then that a thought occurred to him, his fingers moving to pull up the number that he’d been given nearly a month prior but had never bothered to actually use.  Part of him felt guilty about that but another part scoffed and said that he didn’t owe Tachibana anything.  However, as much as Sousuke didn’t want to admit it, he had nobody else to turn to.  He didn’t really have friends outside the precinct and barely had any within it, something that made his jaw clench and his eyes hood; he’d always been a lone wolf but hadn’t really thought about what would happen if he _couldn’t_ handle things alone.

Hesitantly Sousuke typed a message, pausing only briefly before sending, _Tachibana, this is Yamazaki.  Do you drink?_

He stared at the message after he sent it, shoulders slumping a little when he realized how idiotic that sounded.  Was that how you texted someone who wanted to catch up and talk to you after making them wait a month?  What was the etiquette?  Makoto most likely wouldn’t even respond considering how long Sousuke had made him wait for so much as a text message.  After all, Sousuke had never given the other man his phone number so, for all Tachibana knew, he wanted nothing to do with him. He closed his eyes, resigning himself to not receiving anything, when his phone vibrated in his hand.  He opened the mail, the beginnings of a smile tugging at his lips at the message.

_Yamazaki-kun!  I drink sometimes.  Would you like to go get some? ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ_

It should have been stupid, that little face, the enthusiasm within the message, but it caused a tiny, almost imperceptible smile to curve his lips as he replied back. _Yeah, tonight, if you’re free?_

Tachibana’s response came a few seconds later. _Oh!  I just got out of the shower! ( ꒪Д꒪)ノ  Let me get dressed!_

 _Idiot._  Sousuke thought, though it was fonder than he wanted to admit. _I’ll meet you outside my apartment in 15._

Tachibana’s response was fast. _Okay!_

“So many exclamation marks…” Sousuke sighed as he tucked his phone way before glancing towards the door; he supposed that he ought to get changed, then.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO SO SORRY that this took so long! School got really crazy about halfway through the semester and I was under a lot of stress so I couldn't really write. Hopefully this is worth the wait! Sorry again. ; ;

This had been a terrible idea.  Whatever temporary insanity had gripped Sousuke’s mind when he had reached out to Tachibana Makoto had apparently lifted sometime between his apartment and the bar because he began to wonder what, exactly, he was doing.  He and Tachibana weren’t friends, had barely been acquaintances in High School and, yet, here he was, walking beside the firefighter while he chatted about the inane details of his day.  Mentally he ran over the list of reasons why he had wanted the other man’s company and, conveniently, his mind came up with nothing.

“...are you alright, Yamazaki?” Makoto questioned, jarring the police officer from his thoughts.

“Yeah, sorry.” Sousuke answered, scouring his memory in an attempt to figure out what Makoto had been talking about.

“You must have a lot on your mind.  You know, I never asked what you do for a living.”

“I work for the police.”

“You know…” Makoto grinned, glancing aside. “That seems very like you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sousuke questioned, looking a little put off.

“N-not in a bad way!  You’re just someone that likes to help people.”

Sousuke wanted to retort that Makoto didn’t even know him, that he was in no place to judge, but instead offered a noncommittal hum and glanced aside, occupying himself with the lights across the street.  Strained silence fell between them then, making Sousuke regret his decision to invite the other man out for drinks yet again.  Perhaps the day’s events had left him on edge and, thus, he was taking it out on Makoto.  Maybe it was the fact that the last time he had seen Tachibana he had been glued to Nanase’s side.  He didn’t want to think he was so petty as to hate someone based on their friends but sometimes…

“I-I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to offend you.” Makoto finally managed, sounding horribly guilty, his words drawing Sousuke’s attention. “I have no way of knowing what you’re like now, I guess.  It’s been years.”

Sousuke stared at the other man, wondering if he was really that transparent before sighing and shrugging his shoulders. “...People change.”

“Are you saying that you don’t actually like to help people?” Makoto had a small, teasing smile on his lips.

“Of course I like to help people.” Sousuke snapped before realizing his slip, looking annoyed, and glancing aside as Makoto laughed.

“I thought so.”

Sousuke scoffed, annoyed, looking anywhere but at Makoto.  Had Tachibana always been that perceptive?  That was probably going to be a problem when they were drinking; Sousuke prided himself on concealing what he was thinking and feeling pretty well, but alcohol always made him slip a little.  Then again he should have realized that Makoto would be perceptive; he probably had to be simply to communicate with Nanase.

“Oh, is this the place?” Makoto suddenly questioned, drawing Sousuke’s attention once more.

He took nod of the sign and mentally berated himself for missing it over something so trivial. “Ah, yeah, this is it.”

Thus they sat at a small table towards the back of the bar, away from the more rowdy patrons, each with a beer, making stilted small talk.  Sousuke was beginning to wish that Rin had returned his calls. Rin would’ve understood, but, at the same time, just the thought of sitting with Rin after what happened made his hand clench around the handle of his beer.  Quickly he lifted it and took a hefty swig of the alcohol, letting out a soft sigh as he set it down.  However his brows furrowed when he noticed that Makoto was staring at him, looking almost pained.

“You’re not okay, are you?” Makoto questioned softly, suddenly looking unhappy; there was no pity in his eyes, just a bone deep sadness.

Sousuke glanced aside, taking another, smaller, drink of his beer. “Just a long day.”

“Well…” Tachibana began before sighing and looking down at his beer. “Alright.”

Sousuke frowned, finishing off his beer and shoving it to the side of the table, catching one of the waitresses’ eyes and pointing down at it, indicating he would like another.  However until she brought another he didn’t have a way to keep his fingers from anxiously drumming on the table.  Makoto was looking down at his still half-full beer silently, apparently contemplating the amber liquid, and another heavy silence fell between them.  Had Sousuke always had these problems when socializing?  He tried to think of the last time he’d gone out with coworkers and couldn’t really place one.  He could have sworn they’d had drinks once but he couldn’t remember where they went or what happened.  Perhaps his memory was just a little fuzzy.

“I’m surprised you didn’t ask Rin to come.” Makoto began once the waitress had brought a new beer for Sousuke. “Did he not tell you he was moving here?”

Sousuke felt his jaw clench, his fingers tightening around the chilled glass of his beer. “I know he’s here.”

Makoto’s eyes widened a little before he sighed, offering an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry.  I won’t ask about him.”

Sousuke felt a pang of guilt, noting that the smile was a little forced.  Makoto had taken time out of his evening to having drinks with him and here he was, being defensive and combative.  What kind of person was he to be so inconsiderate to someone else?  Perhaps it had been a bad idea to go out when he had been so on edge.

“Yamazaki-san.” Makoto began, making Sousuke look up. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Sousuke stared into those green eyes and suddenly wanted to tell him everything and wasn’t certain why. “...No.”

Makoto’s eyes softened a little and he smiled, taking another drink from his beer. “I thought so.  You know, I teach children to swim in the weekends.  Would you like me to tell you about it?”

At first Sousuke thought it was a callous change of subject, then he realized, eyes widening a little, that Makoto was attempting to distract him, was trying to get his mind off what was bothering him, something which made a tiny, hesitant smile tug at the police officer’s lips. “...Yeah, that’d be nice.”

Makoto smiled brightly, then, making Sousuke flush a little and take a drink of his beer.  He listened to the stories the other man told, a few of them making him smile a little, something which seemed to encourage the other man.  It was like Makoto had an endless amount of positivity and joy within him, something which, in retrospect, Sousuke probably needed after the day he’d had.  In fact the last story had him chuckling  and leaning back a little in his chair as he finished off his second beer; he was beginning to feel a little lighter, a little less weighed down by what he’d had to do.  Perhaps it was the alcohol and perhaps it was the stories, but it seemed that something was working.

“You know, maybe you can swing by and help sometime.” Makoto offered, smiling a little. “I think you’d be good at it.”

Another offer for distraction. “I’m no good with kids.”

“Mmm… I don’t know about that.” Makoto grinned at him. “I bet you secretly are, you just don’t want to admit it.”

Sousuke scowled and snorted, catching the attention of the waitress and silently requested another beer once more. “Kids think I’m scary.”

“I can’t imagine why.” Makoto’s tone had the slightest edge of sarcasm, something which made Sousuke shoot the other man a mildly annoyed look.

“Hey.” Sousuke muttered.

Tachibana laughed. “Joking, joking.”

Sousuke thanked the waitress that brought a fresh beer for him, grinning as he took a drinking. “I’m not sure you are.”

Makoto hummed thoughtfully, grinning from ear to ear.  Sousuke let out another chuckle, enjoying the way the liquor warmed him and made the things that had been bothering him fade to static.  Alcohol wouldn’t fix his problems, but it could make him forget them for a few moments before they became too much.   Never mind that not having to talk about what happened, something he’d have to do with everyone else he could possibly turn to, was nice.

“Have you had too much?” Makoto’s question broke into his thoughts, causing Sousuke to glance up.

Makoto’s green eyes were sparkling with mirth and something else he couldn’t quite identify. “No way.”

“Oh, you started daydreaming so I thought I would have to carry you home.”

“Hardly.  You couldn’t carry me.”

“Is that a challenge?”

Sousuke arched a brow at him, taking another drink of his beer. “Maybe.”

“You’re going to challenge a Firefighter trained to carry people heavier than him to carry you?”

Sousuke faltered before shooting Makoto an annoyed look. “...Whatever.”

Tachibana laughed, finally finishing his first beer and setting it aside. “Don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad.”

“I’m glad.” Makoto responded, leaning back into his chair, his eyes softening.

Sousuke blinked before lowering his gaze to his beer, feeling oddly self-conscious under Tachibana’s gaze.  He couldn’t pinpoint why but the way the other man looked at him made him wary while, at the same time, making him feel pleased.  It was an odd feeling, a confusing one, and he wasn’t certain if it was being caused by the liquor or not.

“Do I have something on my face?” Sousuke questioned after a few moments, looking back up to find Makoto’s eyes still on him.

To his surprise and amusement, Makoto immediately blushed and looked down. “S-sorry.  No, you don’t.”

Sousuke arched a brow, filing the reaction away for when he was more sober, deciding to let the other man off the hook for the moment. “Ah, good.”

Makoto reluctantly looked back up, his smile hesitant. “Sorry.”

Sousuke simply shrugged and finished off his third beer, contemplating the empty glass, wondering if he wanted another. “Don’t be.”

“Ah… Maybe you should stop drinking before I really do have to carry you.”

“Hmm… Maybe.”

Sousuke contemplated his glass for a long moment before pushing it aside and turning his attention back to Tachibana.  Makoto’s lips curved in a warm smile, one that Sousuke was fairly certain he hadn’t earned considering the unveiled adoration he could see in it.  Then again perhaps he was too intoxicated, was seeing things that weren’t there and, really, he didn’t want to think about that too much because it was far too telling.  After all, who wanted to admit that they were that lonely, that pathetic, that they saw affection in every expression?

“Do I have something on my face?” Makoto questioned, looking devious and effectively jarring Sousuke from his thoughts.  

Chuckling Sousuke shook his head and leaned back. “It’s not fair to use my own tactics against me.”

Tachibana let out a thoughtful hum, looking amused. “You never asked me to play fair.”

Their server approached and gave a small bow, apologizing for interrupting, and checking to see if they needed more to drink.  Sousuke glanced briefly before declining and fishing out his wallet to pay for his drinks as well as Makoto’s.  Said firefighter protested but Sousuke immediately waved him off as the server bowed once more and scurried off to tend to their other tables.

“You didn’t need to do that.” Makoto sighed, looking almost uncomfortable.

“I know.” Yamazaki answered, shrugging his shoulders. “Consider it a thank you.”

“For what?  I was the one that initially asked to spend time together.”

“For taking my mind off things.”

Tachibana frowned, brows knitting together before he sighed and smiled a little, relenting. “I suppose I can accept that.”

Sousuke’s lips quirked a little in response before he climbed to his feet, slipping into his coat. “We should probably go.”

“Yes, I wouldn’t want to actually carry you all the way to your apartment.  You look heavy.” Tachibana retorted, following Yamazaki’s example.

“I can hold my liquor just fine, thank you.”

“Not going to deny that you’re heavy?”

“Why should I?  Muscle is heavy.”

When no immediate response came, Sousuke looked up from where he was securing his scarf, noting the flush that now highlighted Makoto’s cheeks.  He arched a brow, choosing to ignore it in favor of reaching out to gently shove the other man’s shoulder.  Tachibana seemed to jar himself from his daze but his blush darkened, the tips of his ears kissed with pink.

“Maybe _you’re_ the one that can’t hold their liquor.” Sousuke teased, doing his best to ignore the blush.

“I can hold my liquor!” Makoto protested, following Yamazaki out of the bar and into the chilly night air.

“Whatever you say.”

They fell into amicable silence which, unfortunately, left Sousuke alone with his thoughts despite the fact that they felt sluggish and inconsequential. He supposed that it was a small blessing that he was intoxicated, lest said thoughts mire themselves in guilt.  Instead he found himself wondering how Makoto had spoken mostly about himself but he’d learned so little about him.  Perhaps it wasn’t really that he hadn’t learned much and more that he hadn’t learned what he’d actually wanted, a musing that stuck in his mind and made him brown.

“Did the street light offend you?” Tachibana’s voice startled him, causing his head to whip around.

Makoto’s eyes went wide before he began to laugh, the sound loud and honest in the quiet darkness, and, much to Sousuke’s bewilderment, Yamazaki found himself blushing.  Forcing himself to scowl he glanced away, reaching to his neck to tug his scarf up to cover the lower half of his face.  Makoto’s laugh slowly faded to a quiet chuckle and Sousuke nearly jumped when Tachibana’s hand clasped his shoulder; why was he so jumpy all of a sudden?

“I’m sorry.  Your face was just…” Makoto trailed off, snorting to stifle a laugh.

“Yeah, yeah…” Sousuke muttered; it sounded petulant even to his ears.

Once again silence fell between them, but Tachibana’s hand never left his shoulder, something that made his brows knit as he tried to figure out what that meant. Perhaps that was the actual reason why he didn’t drink: drinking tended to make it difficult to recognize and process subtleties.  Never mind that Sousuke typically hated being even the slightest bit out of control of his own action but, for some reason, he didn’t seem to mind around Tachibana.  Why was that?

When they reached the stairs that lead to their apartments Makoto arched a brow at him and gently nudged him with his elbow. “Are you sure you can make it up the stairs?”

Sousuke looked affronted. “Of course I can.”

Tachibana laughed, following behind the police officer as he ascended carefully, his footfalls steady but a little slower than normal. “Are you sure.”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“Really, really sure?”

“It’s not like you can’t catch me if I fall.  You’re a firefighter.” Sousuke muttered, quickening his pace a little.

“Mmm.  That’s true!” Makoto answered, his tone holding something that Yamazaki couldn’t clearly identify.

Thankfully they made it up the stairs without incident and Sousuke fished for his keys, pausing in front of his door to look back at Makoto.  Tachibana smiled brightly at him, his hands stuffed in his pockets, looking happier than anyone really had a right to.  However this was how Sousuke remembered him from High School as well; bright like sunlight and full of warmth.

“Thank you again for coming with me.” Sousuke offered, inclining his head towards the other man.

“It was fun.” Tachibana responded before averting his eyes. “I… Um… Would you like to maybe…  Do it again sometime?”

“Of course.” Sousuke answered easily, not even thinking over his response as he lifted  his hand in brief wave and unlocked his door. “Good night, Tachibana.”

“A-ah!  Good night… Yamazaki-kun.”

Sousuke slipped into his apartment, closing and locking the door behind him.  He sighed and leaned back against it, closing his eyes as he undid his scarf and carelessly tossed it aside.  His fingers then went to the zipper of his jacket, freezing as he finally processed their easy banter, his response, and Makoto’s reactions.  His fingers slid up, raking through his hair as he rolled his head forward  and smacked it back against the door.

“Of course.” he muttered to himself, his fingers tightening in his hair; what the hell was he doing?

**Author's Note:**

> http://vitious.tumblr.com


End file.
